New on the Agenda: Fire Protection Reform

Taking their cue from the healthcare debate, Conservatives are setting out to bring the US socialist fire protection system into the capitalist fold.  A new measure being proposed by Republicans in the House of Representatives will require firemen to make sure that home owners, businesses, and other property owners present proof of insurance and sign an acknowledgement that they are ultimately responsible for all charges, before any attempt is made to put out a fire.  Industrial concerns, large retail complexes, owners of multiple family dwellings and high-rise office buildings will also need to have their insurance company provide prior authorization and a confirmation number before services are provided and public expense is incurred.  An amendment that has been proposed, but not yet voted on, would require fire departments to access the Department of Homeland Security’s E-Verify database before extinguishing a fire to ensure that home-owners, tenants, landlords, and any overnight visitors are properly documented and in the US legally.

Conservative blogger TeaBaggingFan69 states that “it is about darn time fire protection consumers had a choice as to who their primary fire protection service is.  For too long, the overbearing, lib’ral government has dictated which fire departments respond to our emergencies.  Heck, we don’t even get to choose which fire trucks are sent or which firemen come!”  Reverend Richard Weed, who has previously testified about the subject in front of the Commerce Committee summed up the feelings of many Conservatives when he said “Now, look, any time a house is on fire there’s a good chance that it will be lived in again.  Many Evangelical Christians resent the idea that a faggot  might be traipsing through their house squirting God knows what everywhere!  These people go against the grain of nature every day… who can even imagine what they might do in a private residence after they have forcibly carried family members outside”

While popular among many on the right, the measure faces an uncertain future in the Senate even if it passes the House.  One individual who claims to have inside knowledge but who requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on the subject, said that Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid may recently have been quoted as stating “That’s the dumbest damn idea I’ve ever heard.  Democrats will only support that if Republicans say they really, really, should.”  A spokesperson did not immediately return our call.

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